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Trump Seeks Asylum in Moscow (Redux)

Apr 10th, 2018 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article


This article was originally published in January. We now know that it was a false alarm–fake news. Of course, EJ admits no responsibility in that deception. We picked the story up from a wire service with which we had a contract, Ersatz News.  We also now know that it is poor judgement to enter into a contract based on a solicitation appearing on the inside cover of a matchbook. Even though it was false news then,  it may yet prove to be prophetic and evolve as true in the near future.

The plane was fully fueled in a hanger at Andrews Air Force Base when it taxied onto the runway in Camp Springs, Maryland.  On an adjacent runway was the plane designated as Air Force One. The arrangements were a bit curious. Although the curious had become the customary in the White House.  A midweek trip to Mar-a-Lago was not ordinary, neither was a two plane excursion. The plan was for the President to travel via Air Force One while his family would travel to Paris for the day on Trump Force One.  The family would subsequently rendezvous at Mar-a-Lago the following day. Such an arrangement was planned to accommodate a business/charitable meeting  in Paris spearheaded by Ivanka Trump and her business associate. The Air Force One manifest consisted only of the President, secret service agents, and the Air Force flight crew.  The Trump Force One manifest included Melania Trump, the female business associate of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump,  Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Tiffany Trump, Barron Trump, and the Trump Force One flight crew.

What happened next was more than curious, it was singularly historic. Both planes took off without incident. Trump Force One first and Air Force One about 15 minutes later.  When Trump Force One approached Paris on its designated flight plan, it did not initiate a landing sequence, but continued northwest toward Moscow.  U.S. Air Force interceptor planes were launched from Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany, but were powerless to act since the President’s family were on board.  The plane eventually landed at Kubinka Air Base near Moscow.  Back in the U.S. Air Force One landed in West Palm Beach.  The greeting party soon discovered that the plane’s passenger was not the President, but a surgery-enhanced doppelganger.  It was also discovered that on Trump Force One, Ivanka’s  business associate was actually the President dressed in full drag, extremely corseted, and compressed beyond recognition, including his massive gloved hands.

What we know beyond that comes from an official statement by Kremlin spokesperson, Dmitry Peskov.  Peskov announced that Trump had petitioned for asylum from the Russian Federation and that that asylum had been provisionally granted.  Provisional asylum was also granted for members of his family and Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, who had stealthily boarded the plane.  Peskov added that Trump will be housed in an apartment with Edward Snowden, whose housing is being provided by The Federation. His family will be placed in an apartment elsewhere in Moscow.  Ross has been assigned to a local geriatric center.  Peskov further elaborated that the asylum had been in preparation for several months and was aided by professionals in the Federation government. The official reason for the petition as requested by the President is, “It is a Done DEAL, I know what it is in store and I can’t deal with the BBC’s in prison. I know that the “real criminals” in prison would not be able to deal with my greatness and they are bigly violent….at least the darker ones. I have a lot to offer President PUTIN.”  The ultimate disposition of this case is yet to be determined, Peskov added, it depends on what he has to offer.  So far, what he says makes little sense and his vocabulary barely reaches three digits.  If his worth to us is lacking then we will return him to wreak havoc on his meddling home country.

After the situation became clearer, General Alexander Haig arose from his subterranean slumber to proclaim, ” I, Al Haig, am in control here at the White House,” but his proclamation was dismissed and he was returned to his interment.  After locating the VP at a midweek bible study group, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath of office to Michael Pence, the 46th President of the United States.

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