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Dec 18th, 2010 | By | Category: Features, Lead 2

ufoYesterday the Intelligencer Journal-Lancaster New Era reported sightings of UFOs in the county near East Hempfield Township . Never wanting to miss an opportunity, the entire staff of the Elizabethtown Journal went to East Hempfield to investigate these reports. EJ located a local resident, Ina Kredable, who actually had contact with passengers of the UFO. Ina had a conversation with the visitors, whom she described as “magenta-like”. Evidently the purpose of their visit was to obtain a recipe for chicken pot pie. Ina reported that the visitors were amazed by the dish and they also asserted that they had a similar dish on their home planet (Kwisine), but they called it soup. They further elaborated that they do eat pot pie, but they know the dish as meat and vegetables encased in a pastry dough. Ina also said that they may return to uncover the mystery of lebanon bologna, a food they believe to be salami.

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  1. I am not surprised the EJ staff made a beeline to the site of the UFO sighting. After all, there was food involved. The EJ staff appears to retain the mentality of the graduate student whose life of poverty is brightened only by the prospect of free pizza at the department seminar. But I would caution the EJ staff from venturing into uncharted territory. Alien abductions are not an uncommon occurrence, and though the Mutual UFO network maintains a toll-free number for such emergencies, by the time we press 2, we may already be too late.

  2. I must assure the reader that EJ’s interest in this story was not solely for caloric gain (although that contributed to the motivation). Our interest was motivated by the highest of journalistic standards under mandates from our two parent organizations, the Weekly World News and Fox News. Additionally, the conundrum of Lancaster County chicken pot pie is a cultural phenomenon of significant public interest. Is this obfuscating nomenclature just serendipity or is it part of a greater intentional misdirection? The public needs to know.

    This is not the first known occurrence of extra-earthly phenomenon uncovered by EJ’s crack staff. I have included below a story about a centuries old Mennonite/U.S. government conspiracy that we reported a few years ago relating to Floyd Landis’s victory in France and his positive test. For those of you who are not immersed in the two-wheel lifestyle, (1) the UCI is the international cycling federation, (2) Floyd Landis is from Farmersville, (3) he won the Tour de France in 2006, (4) he had positive tests for high levels of testosterone, and (5) UCI investigated this and Landis was later was stripped of his victory.
    Landis’s Secret Uncovered, U.S. Authorities Are Mum
    Farmersville, Sept. 3, 2006

    EJ has learned from a reliable source inside the U.S. Department of Defense, who wishes to remain anonymous, that Floyd Landis has a secret. According to this source, it is time for public disclosure. The source told EJ that this secret fully explains Landis’s high testosterone levels and exonerates him from any wrongdoing.

    Landis’s testosterone levels are indeed accurate. But he is not cheating. This is the normal and expected level for him. It seems that Landis was born on the planet Chromemolydum some 200 years ago. The levels indicated in the tests are within the normal range of male Chromemolydians of that age group. Landis and his family moved to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania in the early 1800’s seeking more fertile farmland and as part of the great migration from his planet. Our source says that the U.S. government is well aware of the population of Chromemolydians in central Pennsylvania, but sought to withhold it from the public for security reasons. Our source further indicates that representatives of the DOD and the U.S. Air Force have long been in contact with elders from this community. They are mum with respect to this latest revelation. We contacted Landis’s mother and she has verified these facts.

    The reactions from residents near his Farmersville home were mixed. Usin Urasinner, pastor at the United Church of Christ, said he always thought there was something odd about the Mennonites. “I never thought that they were Christians,” he said, “after all, they never want to go to war nor do they want to punish people for not believing what they do.” “This just proves it,” he continued, “and maybe it’s a good thing. If we can unveil who all the sinners and non-believers are out there, we might be on our way to making this a Christian nation as God intended.” When asked about Landis’s alien upbringing, Urasinner replied, “It’s really all the same. Either you’re one of us or you’re not. Alien, Mexican, Jew…. it really makes no difference.” Jacob Martin, a neighbor of Landis for over 150 years said, “We are all very proud of Floyd, but we hope this news doesn’t call undue attention to our community. We just want to farm and help others regardless of what planet they come from.”

    The UCI has been informed of these new and startling facts. They have responded that we have the utmost confidence in our testing procedures and all competitors will be afforded due process. UCI president McQuiad said, “This is certainly unique, but it doesn’t change our policy one bit.”

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