Front Page Image

Features

Trump Seeks Asylum in Moscow (Redux)

Apr 10th, 2018 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

  This article was originally published in January. We now know that it was a false alarm–fake news. Of course, EJ admits no responsibility in that deception. We picked the story up from a wire service with which we had a contract, Ersatz News.  We also now know that it is poor judgement to enter into a contract based on a solicitation appearing on the inside cover of a matchbook. Even though it was false news then,  it may yet prove to be prophetic and evolve as true in the near future. The plane was fully fueled in a hanger[Read more...]



Teaching Evolution

Mar 24th, 2018 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

Recent remarks by a member of the Elizabethtown school board have led to some agitation among the crack staff of EJ. Keen observers of the local education scene will recall that Mr. Menno Riggleman, in an interview with the school newspaper, observed that the curriculum on evolution was outdated. He also went on to argue that homosexuality is a sin, not unlike unmarried people living together. (1) The crack staff of EJ does not shy away from covering controversial cases. Rumor has it that its reporters were sent to Tennessee in 1925 to cover the celebrated Scopes Monkey trial. However,[Read more...]



Top Ten Elizabethtown Journal Headlines of 2017

Dec 29th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

                10.          President Uses Proper Punctuation in a Tweet 9.            President Didn’t Play Golf Last Week 8.            President Read a Document 7.            Houston Astros Win Their First Ever World Series 6.            President Proclaims “I am the best ever President in the history of the world. Everyone agrees.” 5.            President Used Proper Syntax in a Tweet 4.            President Nominates Cabinet Secretary Who Answered Senate Question Correctly 3.            President Upset with God, Claims Insufficient Loyalty 2.            Elizabethtown Journal Nominated for Seven Pulitzers 1.            U.S. Fails to Act on the Surreality of Their November Decision



Call yourself a liberal?

Dec 27th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Front Page

Check out Terrell’s latest at Clyde Fitch: http://www.clydefitchreport.com/2017/12/liberals-progressives/



Morality

Dec 5th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

Click on the link below to read a short essay on morality in our ever-changing world, a world of increasing individualism.  It is a story about philosophy.  It is a story about sociology.  It is a story about morality.  And it is a story about how to look at the world. Find Essay Here



The Myth of Human Capital

Nov 11th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

We offer a bit of poetry to illustrate a point.  American public policy assumes that a person’s lot in life is based on merit and human capital.  That perspective must also assume near perfect freedom of movement throughout the class and opportunity structure.  This is the American promise that merit will offer its deserved rewards. This American ideology has taken its place in both domestic policy and foreign policy. In the former, we have sought solutions to poverty and inequality through offering (at least promising) capital, human capital, to the downtrodden.  Human capital in this scenario is synonymous with education. [Read more...]



The Return of the Return of the Unidentified Man: UM 3.0

Aug 1st, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

The saga continues. Two of our venerable reporters have once again picked up the scent of the most curious character that our reporting staff has ever encountered.  I speak of the Unidentified Man, of course. The saga began six years ago when the two reporters were foraging for food near the Conewago Trail. That activity was not uncommon due to their meager salaries.  While Stalking the Wild Asparagus they  had their first encounter with the Unidentified Man.  That encounter was documented in EJ in 2011.  What they found was an aging Gump-like character who watched Fox News exclusively, used an[Read more...]



From the Debunking Corner: An Ingenious Way to Answer the Great Questions of Science

Jul 27th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article

A recent Gizmodo article takes the EPA chief Scott Pruitt to task for his “idea for a ‘red team-blue team debate’ on climate science.” The article goes on to add that Pruitt, “who all but admitted recently that his entire goal is to dismantle the EPA, has suggested collecting a group of scientists and having them debate objective reality, perhaps on television.” (1) What a great idea! But instead of praising Pruitt for his revolutionary thinking on the scientific method, Fake News Gizmodo seeks to vilify him. But ask yourself: How else can one get at scientific verities, if not[Read more...]



A New Hire at the Journal Debunks Fake News

Jul 20th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Front Page

The crack editor of EJ is fed up with the constant stream of fake news. Accordingly, the newspaper has hired a reporter whose sole job it is to debunk the incorrect, unfair and, frankly, anti-Trump coverage in the mainstream media. It is time, the editor stated, for the American people to get the news they deserve. Here is the first debunking. A Politico story notes: “Candidates for top Trump administration jobs are increasingly frustrated by the high cost and huge time commitment required to meet the government’s ethics and conflict-of-interest rules, complicating White House efforts to fill hundreds of crucial[Read more...]



Not Only in the White House

Jun 8th, 2017 | By | Category: Features, Lead Article, Uncategorized

The editor of the EJ was interviewing a candidate to join his crack staff of reporters. The grueling interview was almost over when he asked the most important question of all: “Can I count on your loyalty?” ‘How about honesty?” countered the candidate. “Can you give me obedience?” “I can promise you integrity.” “Hmm, that’s not enough. Can you give me faithfulness?” “No, but I can give you trustworthiness.” “No, no. How about undying love?” “I can offer untrammeled admiration for your business acumen.” “Very close. How about everlasting devotion?” “Will you settle for regular praise for the editor-in-chief?” “I[Read more...]